Jay-Z versus David Ortiz — If it Were Up to Me…..

I must admit, I was very excited to hear that Jay-Z and his business partner are suing Red Sox slugger David Ortiz for $5 million as a result of Ortiz naming his nightclub in the Dominican Republic after Jay-Z’s line of “40/40” nightclubs. Sure, the association with Jay-Z’s clubs did not hurt Ortiz, but really how much did it help him? The man is a living legend in the D.R., and let’s face it — there is very little overlap between the clubgoers in New York and the Dominican. Besides a few ball players and celebrities, the average day in the life of a D.R. resident does not consist of arguing whether to stay local or go out in Manhattan on a Friday night. That being said, this is completely a publicity stunt on Jay-Z’s part — albeit a great one. As a Yankees fan he’s riling up team pride by taking it to a Red Sox star, but more importantly he’s got the name “40/40 club” on the tip of your tongue. I bet the line to get in is longer than usual these days.

Still, this whole episode feels slightly foolish. Realistically this will probably just take Ortiz picking up the phone and calling Jay-Z to resolve this whole issue. I can see the conversation now, “J, this Papi. Why you play me like that man? I’ll change the name, strike out twice versus Phil Hughes, and send Beyonce and autograph pic, cool?” “Cool yo,” click. Then Ortiz will proceed to rename the club “Rihanna.”

While neither of these methods of mediation appeal to me, I am here to offer my own solution — a one on one challenge, consisting of the following events.

1) A freestyle rap off

2) A croquet match

3) Home Run Derby

4) A cookoff with Beyonce and Rihanna as judges

5) A krump competition

6) A dramatic reading of a Shakespearean monologue

The events would be contested in both the D.R. and in New York City. If Ortiz wins he gets to keep his club’s name and Jay-Z needs to wear a Red Sox hat to a Yankees game. If Ortiz loses, he must change the name and pay Jay-Z the $5 mil. The events will be pay-per-view. President Obama will oversee the contest (think TJ Lavin) with all proceeds going to the Haiti Relief effort. You know if Ortiz has to pay Jay-Z the $5 mil, Jay-Z will also likely donate those funds as well. What’s there to lose?

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