I’m Moving — To a New Planet (Gliese 581g, Duh)

New Planet Found

After finishing a particularly troublesome argument this morning, in which some people tried to favorably compare “elite” quarterback Eli Manning to Tom Brady, I decided I’d had enough. I can’t share a planet with the likes of Eli and A-Rod, no way. They don’t deserve to live in a galaxy with a being as supreme as myself. I’m tired of having them bring me down.

Just as these thoughts flashed across my mind, the heavens opened up — literally. Researchers have discovered a planet “next door” to our universe, where temperatures range between -25 degrees farenheit and 160 degrees farenheit — both perfect for water and life. The planet is named Gliese 581g and according to one researcher, the chances of life on this planet are 100%. The planet is 3 times the size of earth, and revolves around a dwarf star. Catch all of the details on this new planet here.

I’m loading up the trunk with some beer, and heading out tonight with Ken Griffey Jr, Cameron Diaz, and Glen Rice in tow. Who’s with me?

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Filed under Travel

8 responses to “I’m Moving — To a New Planet (Gliese 581g, Duh)

  1. Kevin Youkillis

    ha i read an article about this this morning.. i must correct you (atleast from the article i read) but life on this planet is not 100%.. however i feel strongly that you may actually be from this planet, so you may know more than I.

    and your gonna have 3 guys with only one girl? weak, good luck competing for camerons affection against griffey

    • Obviously, this is a homecoming of sorts for me. I know I won’t be able to compete for Cameron. I just figure while her and Ken are together, I’ll sneak up behind him and rub his ears. He likes that, and will think it is Cameron. Then I can slip his diamond earrings off and rock them myself while I shoot free throws with Glen.

  2. J-bone

    I’ve been convinced you were from outer space since I met you so ill let you have your planet

    • Yes! You can come visit as long as you bring Natti Ice. Don’t worry, Tom Brady will live with me in the offseason as long as he fulfills his interplanetary haircut requirements.

  3. Alan Weeks

    I’m there, can we bring J May, and Mike Mussina?

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